Your relationship with you; love yourself

In last week’s blog, Enjoy the relationships you’ve always dreamed of; the perfect ones, I talked about how love actually works and that you can enjoy ‘perfect’ relationships. This week, I want to talk about the most important relationship of all; the one with yourself. Until you can accept, love and appreciate yourself unconditionally, it simply isn’t possible for you to extend that love to anyone else. I know that many of you will already be cringing at the very idea of ‘loving yourself’. Some of you will think that it would mean you were conceited and showing off, others, that it’s tantamount to sin. What I am talking about is not conceited, not showing off and certainly not sinful. I’m meaning a gentle acceptance of the you that is trying your best under, sometimes, difficult circumstances, the inner, authentic, ego-less, beautiful you. The you that came into this world perfect, the you that is still perfect; the you that just is and doesn’t need to define itself with anything after ‘I am’, doesn’t need to add ‘a fabulous friend’, ‘a rubbish mother’, ‘a tall person’, ‘a wheelchair user’ or anything else. The real you, the soul you. The you I’m pointing at is the you that that doesn’t need to justify itself, the you that has no need for a label, the you that is in competition with no one.

The interesting and totally awesome thing that comes along with loving the inner you is that you start to accept and love the outer you too… another time, we’ll talk more about that.

I give you permission

I understand that you may have long-established discomfort with the idea of loving yourself, I also get that you may be unsure if that perfect you is still there under all the ‘life stuff’ or even if it ever existed. Please let me assure you, that it certainly is still there, it always was…and I give you full and unconditional permission to love it.

So, where is the perfect you and how can you find it?

The perfect you is always, always within you; you don’t need to go off searching for it, it never leaves you and never, ever gives up on you. Once you have reacquainted yourself with this perfect part of you, you’ll find it easier and easier to stay connected to it all the time but, at first, it’s easiest to find when you are still. Our minds are always busy, thinking and overthinking; you might like to read my blog, Overthinking! What is it good for? Absolutely Nothing!

Underneath all the mental chatter there is a calm and peaceful place; that is where the perfect you resides. In this place, you will find clarity and wisdom; you will learn what your heart really yearns for. You will know pure love. You will all have seen glimpses of this place from time to time, to a lesser or greater degree; when you heard your baby laugh, when your heart felt like melting, when you felt spontaneous joy, so it’s just a matter of re-entering that space. Find a quiet time and place where you won’t be disturbed, and simply think nice thoughts. If any worries try to muscle in, gently breathe them away. It may be a little tricky at first, to find and maintain the stillness…but it’s one of the best and most rewarding things you’ll ever do. Once you have managed to still your monkey mind, you will find yourself in your own, very special place, the place where you can trust yourself to know the right things to do, the place where you are efficient, creative and productive; the place where the magic happens.

Once you have connected to this perfect you, you may even find that you’re not actually looking for a relationship with anyone else right now, after all. And if you do want a relationship, you will be in a healthy, loving place to find one, rather than a desperate, urgent and needy place where you’ll only find unsatisfactory and dysfunctional relationships.

Attachment versus love

When we don’t accept and love ourselves, we need a relationship because we believe it ‘can make us happy’ and, I’m afraid, it is doomed to fail before it even starts…no one or thing can make us happy; only we can (much more on this next week). People who need a relationship will find that it can’t work with someone who is connected with, and loving toward, themselves. A person who understands that their happiness is solely their responsibility, is able to love without conditions and will feel stifled by the craving for attention and lonely because their needy partner cannot relax into a healthy, fulfilling and adult partnership. They are unlikely to want to endure the jealousy and poor self esteem or take on the duty of ‘making their partner happy’; they are likely to know that happiness doesn’t work like that anyway. A person who doesn’t love themselves can only really have a relationship with a person who also, incorrectly, believes that they need someone else to make them happy. This symbiotic partnership of codependency, could work because both partners would believe ‘they couldn’t live without the other’ but it would be no where near as fulfilling and beautiful as a relationship between two people who loved themselves and each other with no limits and no conditions. Real love is accepting everything that is, without wanting to change it, even if that were possible.

Love yourself first

So, rather like putting on your own oxygen mask, on an aeroplane, before you help anyone else with theirs, get to know, and learn to love the amazing, beautiful and loveable soul you really are, and you will find, that if you choose to have a relationship with anyone else, it will be ‘perfect’.

Next week I’m going to explain why nothing on the outside of us can alter how we feel.

Until then, have a great week and let me know if you have any questions.

Catherine x

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