Enjoy the relationships you’ve always dreamed of; the perfect ones

We all dream of them, right? The perfect guy or girl to live with happily ever after, the best mate who’s there for us through thick and thin, the ideal boss who rewards our strengths and never challenges our weaknesses, the colleague who holds the corporate ladder for us whilst we climb?

Reality doesn’t usually match our dreams, though, does it?

By far the main relationship, people come to me for help with, is the one with their partner, so let’s concentrate on that for now. Here’s our fairytale scenario…

Our dream

Meeting someone with whom we have a mutual and immediate chemical and emotional connection. The type of wonderful connection we’ve never felt the likes of before. We intuitively know, that they think in the exact same way as us and when we look deeply into their eyes, we know, for sure, that they are the one, the person we’re going to spend the rest of our life with; our soul mate. We know we’ll never, ever argue with them because we will agree on everything. As perfect partners, we’ll both want to spend exactly the same amount of time with each other and always want to go to the same places. It goes without saying, that we will always support each other, no matter what, and put the other first. Looking forward to our magical forever future, we take each other’s hands and walk off into the sunset together, blissfully happy…

Aww….what a lovely story; it kind of reminds me of books I read as a child, where a handsome prince and a beautiful princess meet at a palace grand ball; their eyes meet and there are fireworks. Their fairy godmother waves her wand and, before you know it, there are wedding bells and they both live happily ever after.

So, this is not only the stuff our dreams are made of but also what keeps romantic fiction alive.

Oh dear, I’m sorry, you didn’t like me talking about your dream as only ‘fiction’ did you? I’m really don’t want to burst your bubble, but in real life, waiting for and expecting your fairy godmother to appear, sprinkle her fairy dust and grant your wish will leave you twiddling your thumbs for a long…long time….

What you wanted, was for me to tell you this is all possible, didn’t you? Well actually it is, just not in the way most people think, because they’re looking in the wrong place. Maybe you’re looking at the other person to be ‘perfect’ or maybe you think there’s magic in the relationship itself somehow.

The reality…not so different after all

Let me tell you that, actually, the only place you’ll make your relationships ‘perfect’ is within you. The really amazing thing is that you don’t even need to start the whole dating game again if you’ve already got a partner, you can simply start seeing them for them and notice the bits of them that you were only making up.

I need to say here, that you may find some partners who are so wrapped up in their own insecurities that they’ll try to make themselves feel better by putting you down in any way they can. It’s not possible for you to change them, only they can do that when and if they’re ready. You each have a place of calm and wisdom within you and you’ll be able to recognise it because you will feel peaceful and in control with lot of options and resources. I’ll talk more on this next week. When you’re feeling calm rather than worried and panicky that the decision is urgent and too difficult, allow your inner wisdom to tell you if this is the right relationship for you and if not, move on. It may help to read my post on having a good day every day, for a deeper look into the stories we tell ourselves.

The day it all changed for me

The day I truly realised that I could never change anybody, (unless they chose to change) however hard I tried was actually a tremendous relief. Trying to change people hadn’t been working, of course; I was exhausted and still didn’t have the perfect relationship! Suddenly knowing I didn’t need to try any more, and that the answer had been inside me all along, was like a massive weight being lifted off my shoulders. That same day, I also learned, that I could never truly know what anyone else was thinking and that I was merely projecting my own thoughts onto them. It had been really easy to believe, for me, as I’m sure it is for you, that when they look into your eyes, that their thoughts are full of love for you, but actually, they could, just as easily, be thinking of something quite unrelated and much less romantic. It’s the same when we’re in a grumpy mood and believe our partner is thinking horrible things about us; they’re probably not feeling that way at all.

That day, I saw the feelings I had about my partner, were only ever about my thoughts in the moment and taught me nothing about him or anyone else at all. I learned that I could use the feelings of worry or anger or jealousy to show me that my thinking isn’t very positive and I should put off making any decisions until I naturally feel happy again. When we’re in a low mood, we feel we must give someone a piece of our minds, send a strongly worded text or email, leave our jobs and/or partner, run away and all sorts of things we don’t feel when we’re our normal, grounded selves.

It’s very useful that our thoughts come and go whether they’re ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and that our default setting is peaceful, contented and never too far away. It means that when we’re in a bad mood, all we have to do is…nothing. Pretty soon we’ll be okay again. It’s very freeing to know we don’t have to believe or follow our unhappy thoughts ever again. I also love that we never have to lay the burden and responsibility of our happiness onto anyone or anything else. Our happiness is down to us and us alone. When we think about our partner, the love we feel is our love and that love is always within us, even though it often gets covered up by our daily stuff.

Don’t get me wrong, life can throw a lot of curve balls and we can’t control that, but we can control our reaction to them. We’ll get sad from time to time but we don’t need to buy into that sadness, take a look at my post on overthinking for more on this.

I love my job as a life transformation coach; once people start recognising that they don’t have to act on their every thought or give away the power over their happiness, not only do their relationships but their whole lives improve.

A great quote from Sydney Banks, who was a strong influence on my coaching and indeed whole life, is “We have the most wonderful job in the world. We find people in various stages of sleep and we get to tap them on the shoulder and be with them as them wake up to the full magnificence of life.”

This is sounding a lot like a fairytale after all…

Have a wonderful week and enjoy your relationships…those with your partner, your friends, your colleagues and especially the one with yourself….which is what I’ll be blogging about next week.

Catherine x

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