Why resentment is your new best friend

None of us like the feeling of being offended, resentful, jealous or any fearful emotion, do we? Yet most of us feel that way quite a lot of our time…we don’t know there’s a choice; and when we’re told we have a choice, we don’t believe it. How could it be true, after all? Obviously if someone or something is unfair or just unmistakably wrong, we’re going to be cross, right? If our partner isn’t as attentive as we think they should be, we’re going to feel hurt. It’s as plain as the nose on your face and I’m quite clearly delusional to think differently and rather cruel for giving you false hope.

Apologies

I’m sorry if you’re struggling with this choice idea and I totally, totally get it; I struggled with it too. There is so much compelling evidence to support the idea that the outside world can affect us; we’ve bought into it our whole lives, our fathers and forefathers before us. I get that you may be having lots of successes in your life and believe for sure, that there have to be downs as well as ups…that life just works that way. I apologise again, but you believing it, doesn’t make it any truer.

Please give me a few moments of your time…because I believe that just as my life has changed, irrevocably and permanently, for the better, so can yours.

I have always been lucky I guess; I was brought up by a nice family in a lovely house in a beautiful part of the country. I passed my exams, got good jobs, got onto the property ladder early. I married a successful man and had two wonderful children. We had lots of holidays and went to parties; I had a great life.

Except that for at least half the time…I was miserable and often suicidal.

I thought that was how it had to work, was the best I could hope for. I reasoned that, no one could be happy all of the time and if I was sad a little more often or a little more deeply, than others seemed to be, then it was worth it for the rest of my charmed life.

Things went wrong with my marriage and my husband and I started bickering and then rowing. I didn’t actually notice the stress I was under increasing during that time until it was all over and one day, something stressful happened and all the old feelings came rushing back; I realised, that through our break up, I had been living in constant fight or flight response. And I guess so had my husband…and our children. If I’d known then, what I know now, I could have avoided us all, so much suffering.

Many of us live continually with either low levels or even high levels of anxiety and/or depression. You can read more about my personal journey and how we can all break free in New day, new life; isn’t it time you had a good day, everyday?

Why we suffer

The main reasons we suffer are that we argue with what is, we believe that our feelings are a call for action, and we live in the past or the future, rather than the present.

I want to concentrate on the first of these today but you may like to read Nothing and no one can ever hurt us and Overthinking. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!

The more deeply I understand that I will only and always lose when I fight against what is, against what I have no control over, the more peaceful I become. I no longer ever feel the sadness or worry that would last days and sometimes weeks. I no longer clog my mind up with the unfairness of life, of what should or shouldn’t have happened.

I hadn’t realised how much time, anxiety and depression took up. I thought I was coping well, despite them, but see now, that decisions took forever because I couldn’t trust myself, I wasn’t working effectively and I was often paralysed by the stress I felt more often than not.

I am free

Now that I know that is a pointless and uncomfortable waste of time trying to alter things over which I have no power, I am free to enjoy my life.

I’d thought that I could change people through coaxing or coercion because usually people changed when I wanted them too. I understand now, that they only changed because they decided to, for whatever reason. Once I stopped trying to do the impossible, and freed up my time, I started loving my life.

If, in the past, I couldn’t change whatever I wanted to, I would feel indignant and resentful; I would sulk…and miss all the joy that was available to me in the now.

I’m still human

I want to assure you that I am still human; I still feel all my old emotions but I am not a slave to them, I don’t attach to them, I don’t give them any importance. I know now that I have a choice; I don’t need to believe them or act upon them, I don’t need to endow them with any more value than I do a fictional book or film.

This understanding has been life-changing for me and I am truly happy. I love that it keeps getting stronger, each time I notice somewhere in my life, that I’m still arguing with what is. I love that I can simply let go of uncomfortable feelings. I love that I can feel even more peaceful, clear-minded and filled with love.

I love getting clues to how I can improve and grow. These are some you can look out for:

Using the words should, shouldn’t, ought, or oughtn’t.

Feeling defensive, hurt, jealous, trapped or resentful.

Believing that something is unfair.

What’s not to love?

I still feel all these, except now, they only last moments because I see them for what they are and gain a deeper understanding of how my mind works; they are my best friends…a moment of discomfort followed by a lifetime of joy. What’s not to love?

The more we think we know something, the more we block ourselves from knowing it; so please allow the possibility that this understanding can help you too. I know that people are frightened of change, but really, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. You too can:

Feel peaceful, free and loving toward yourself and others.

Allow upsets to flow over you.

Relax and let stuff go.

Next week, I’m going to talk about the benefits of living in the now.

Until then, have a beautiful and peaceful week and let me know if you have any questions or comments.

Love Catherine x

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