It Is What It Is

It’s easy to blame someone else for your communication difficulties, after all, you can list lots of their failings, right? It’s even easier when you can give a reason, particularly a medical reason, especially a diagnosis, for their faults.

I don’t know how often I’ve been told, by a client, that someone in their life is a narcissist. It’s said as if it’s a done deal, as if it’s something that cannot be cured. Yet narcissism, like all mental health disorders, in my opinion, is a behaviour or set of behaviours that can be changed.

Behaviour is simply the action we take based on our feelings, which come directly from our thoughts. I understand that this view doesn’t agree with most medical bodies; they tell us that they can prove we have a mental disorder by measuring certain chemicals in our bodies and so forth. It is my belief that those chemicals and other physical signs are caused by our behaviours and not the other way round. I am not medically trained and wouldn’t presume to take the place of your physician but am merely explaining my experience of, sometimes severe, behaviour and how I have facilitated its change.

I don’t want to offend anyone, and I do not speak without personal and much other experience of how mental conditions can be controlled or eradicated by mindset shifts.

We do not need to be defined by our behaviours by ourselves or anyone else.

We control our choices, we choose how to behave in each moment, we choose how to treat each other. We can choose new behaviours this very second, if we want to. Just because we’ve always thought, acted and reacted in a certain way, does not mean that we have to continue that way.

I accept, of course, that medical intervention is sometimes necessary and that one may be required to be sufficiently calmed in order to be able to make healthy choices.

Sure we can blame our upbringing, our genetics or anything else…but at the end of the day…it’s a choice. I hope you can feel liberated rather than affronted by that.

It may be that the person you labeled a narcissist will continue to be controlling, insensitive and selfish but when we can show them, by example that there is a gentler way to be, if we can provide a safe space for them to explore other ways of being…they may start daring to experiment with that to.

It’s also possible and much more likely that they are not a narcissist and that they are just reacting to feeling hurt and frightened in the best way they can. I was convinced that my husband had an ‘anger problem’, but in reality, when he didn’t know what else to do, he retreated into the emotion he’d seen displayed, in times of difficulty, when he was a child. Like we all do. My husband hasn’t been through this program, but no longer gets angry. Changing how I alone acted and reacted has changed the dynamics of our whole relationship.

You now know that your experience of life is only ever created from inside your mind, and then projected onto the outside world. This is often known as inside-out thinking.

The notion of inside-out thinking, seems to be counter-intuitive because there is so much ‘evidence’ to support it working completely to the contrary. Yet, however many arguments are made to support the outside-in idea of thinking, some things are just true whether you believe them or not. Seeing those truths for yourself makes life simpler, gentler, and more fun to be a part of.

I imagine you are still struggling with accepting this even in theory, about some ‘problems’ you have. Please don’t be hard on yourself. This is completely natural and simply part of your journey.

Once we can believe that the only way we can experience life is through our own thinking, we see that we’re only ever one thought away from a completely different experience.

Only ever one thought away from happiness.

Only ever one thought away from a loving, peaceful and successful life.

I’m sure you notice how much you overthink when you’re stressed, depressed, anxious, insecure, jealous or fearful, and how much less you overthink when you’re feeling grounded and peaceful.

Have you also observed, how you are much more imaginative, creative, relaxed and loving when you’re not stressed? That you can come up with fresh ideas and limitless possibilities? That you can move through your life with harmony and ease?

In less grounded times, your mind produces lots and lots of repetitive thoughts, everything is suddenly more complicated, and the less well you can connect to the true you. Before you know it, all you can see around you is your own thinking reflected back at you….looking for all the world like it is real!

Have you experienced how long and pleasurable your days seem to be when you are on vacation?

One of the reasons for this is because, being away from your usually busy and tense life, creates a space for all those nice things to flow into. This happens naturally and without your intervention. But now you know this, you can easily slip into your non-stressed ‘holiday’ state at will.

Deciding to always be relaxed, whatever your circumstances, however busy you are, means that you will be more or less permanently in holiday mind! Awesome, right?

You came on this program because you were experiencing difficulties. During the last few weeks you will have learned that it was actually never your friends, job, family, relationship, partner or anything or one else that was to blame for these experiences…it was only ever your thinking around those things and yourself…

You will, by this stage, probably have uncovered several areas of your life where your thinking is holding you back from full enjoyment. Your areas will not be the same as anyone else’s and you will discover and conquer each one in your own time.

I like this analogy from Michael Neill

Imagine you wake to hear your child screaming. You run into their bedroom, and are relieved to see that there’s no immediate danger but concerned about what has them so frightened. They tell you that there’s a monster at the end of the bed. To your surprise, when you turn to look there is indeed something which looks like a monster looming over them.

However, a second glance reveals that it’s only the shadow of a toy left on the windowsill, brought to life by the moonlight which streams through the window behind it.

To your child, who believes the monster is real, their only choices are to cower in fear or to run through a menu of problem solving strategies, ranging from hiding under the covers to seeing if they can outrun you and hoping that once the monster eats you, it will be full and leave them in peace. But because you recognize the “monster” as only the shadow of a toy, you’re not inclined to do anything to make it go away. Because you understand something about the nature of light and shadow, you know that the moment the light changes, the monster will transform or even disappear completely.

Whether the “monsters” we face in our lives seem to be made of money, health challenges, relationships, work issues, or even things that happened to us in the past, the same is true for us. The more we understand the principles behind how our experience of life is being created moment by moment, the more freedom and creativity we will have in how we operate in the world.

We all see monsters sometimes…all have occasional demons. Understanding that you are simply being human and that you will right yourself very shortly, will allow this to happen most effectively and limit any damage you could do.

Instead of believing the seemingly urgent nature of your own insecure thinking, you can instead step back, allow yourself to be quietly reflective, and wait for your thoughts and therefore mood, to rise.

When you are feeling more grounded, you can once again trust your thinking, take appropriate action, and move forward, un-fearful, with your life.

Your life is happier, more successful and more enjoyable when you allow yourself to be quieter, humbled, awed, and grateful, when you’re open to possibilities, when you simply sit with what comes.

This state of being rather than doing, this gentle acceptance, is where your mindset shifts will happen.

What are your monsters? Make a list and add more when you become aware of them. Cross them off your list when they no longer feel like a threat.

Can you see how they are merely a product of your thinking?

Are you ready to allow yourself to step back, see them from a different, much less frightening perspective?

Have you noticed, yet, that you are becoming less interested in commenting on social media or during real life conversations? That you’re saying less? That you’re actually thinking less?

I used to think, not only that I could help people with my experience and knowledge…but that I should help them. Who did I think I was?!

One of the great things about coaching, is that people approach me because they want my help. It took a while for me to realise that my Facebook, Instagram and real friends, don’t!

I can see now that my wanting to help everyone was more for me than for them…that I was doing me me me. This sort of realisation hurts…but we become the better for it.

After my epiphany, I became less interested in my own voice. Less desperate to put my two cents in.

I absolutely love helping people achieve the wisdom, peace and happiness that I have found…but now I only do that with people who have specifically asked for my help.

Most people aren’t ready for our type of help…they’re still stuck in the needing to ‘go through’ or ‘process’ their pain, anger or whatever.

They won’t ‘get’ what we share…they’ll get entirely the wrong idea about it because they’ll try to fit it into their own understanding so will morph it…or ignore it.

What we’re offering is a simple and beautiful way back to love. Back to the love we all are.

We need to understand and empathise with people who are still trapped in fear like we once were. We need to remember how very resentful they will be of those who tell them they don’t need to suffer any more…that’s it’s all been for nothing.

You and I have learned that transforming ourselves, frees us from any further pain. Not everyone is ready to take that.

Most people are locked in the belief, in the way we were all brought up that there are no easy answers.

I looked up the meaning of –

It’s too good to be true

It means that it is ‘hard to believe’ or ‘seeming very good but not real’. As in –

If you think the deal they are offering is too good to be true, it probably is.

It used to hurt me when my help was shunned and my belief was belittled. Now I’m simply happy to be the love I want to see in the world…I’m a peaceful stillness. That seems to be the kindest thing to be…it’s showing gently by example rather than more forcefully with words that people aren’t ready or able to hear.

I used to think ours was the only way to feel okay with ourselves…to feel peaceful and happy. I used to be desperate to help people.

I see now that this narrow mindedness and urgency were simply signs that my understanding wasn’t yet deep enough.

Not only did the realisation strike me; who am I to preach? I also saw that when I felt the need to comment and help (interfere!) I was defining myself with that which held me in fear. I remember, way back, pushing myself forward as an authority on migraines and fibromyalgia. What I was doing was keeping myself frozen in them.

Whatever our reason for talking…let’s check within…is it really necessary?

Be still my friends….be the love and peace.

When you find yourself being drawn to speak….check where that feeling is coming from. Remind yourself of Bernard Meltzer’s quote –

“Before you speak, ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid”

And Mahatma Gandhi’s

“Speak only if it improves upon the silence”