It Is What It Is

Why would you actively make yourself miserable by clinging onto an uncomfortable situation that would simply fizzle out without your adding energy to it?

Letting go of pain or anger takes moments…whereas the discomfort of it could last forever. Which do you choose?

We make letting go feel difficult and complicated, but it is really very simple. Maybe I can make it easier for you by calling it quitting holding on.

Holding on requires action, quitting holding on doesn’t.

I completely understand you struggling with it. It isn’t your fault; you’ve been told, throughout your life, by many outside influences, film, song lyrics and your friends to name but a few, that you must fully process and come to terms with having been hurt, before you can move on. Your little voice has completely bought into this and keeps your pain raw by reminding you of the ill feeling you have, to protect you from being vulnerable and getting hurt!

But you’re hurt now! Holding onto pain gives you more pain!

This reminds me of when I was a child and often went sailing with my father. I was his crew whilst he steered the boat. My job was to control the jib (the triangular sail at the front of the boat) so that the wind could blow onto it and produce force to move us forward. I often needed to do this by sitting on the very edge of our boat and leaning far back, over the ocean, whilst holding on very tightly to the sheet (the rope that was attached to the jib). It was a fun job and gave me strong abdominal muscles and a lot of fresh air. Whenever there was a sudden gust of wind, I had to learn to quickly ease off my hold or we could capsize. All my instincts, when I felt confused and surprised by the sudden change, were to hold on more tightly. As you can understand, this would have had disastrous consequences…..just as it does, generally, in life.

Unfortunately, when you decide it is finally time to let go of your grip and shed the pain or resentment you’ve been holding onto, your subconscious steps in more strongly and tries to protect you further by keep reminding you that what happened was unfair and that it shouldn’t have happened or been said.

Very possibly, that’s correct; maybe it was unfair or perhaps they shouldn’t have said it…but they did…and you can still choose whether to carry that with you, causing yourself untold physical and emotional health problems…or let it go.

Before your thoughts are fully retrained, you will notice that if you continue to ignore the fearful thoughts…you will then start experiencing the physical symptoms that accompany stress. Don’t let these scare you from your goal of letting go, it doesn’t mean holding onto the pain is any more important, it is merely a bodily reaction to the chemicals being released. They will disperse pretty quickly when you start ignoring your ‘protecting’ thoughts. The more you retrain your thoughts, the less often the fearful ones will come, the less intense they will be and the less time they will stay.

It is always the healthiest option to simply let it go; continuing to drink the poison of a hurtful event only ever hurts you; the other person probably isn’t even aware of the poison and is simply carrying on with their life, oblivious of your sleepless nights, tears and tortured thoughts.

Just as you say things you don’t mean, when you are in an insecure place, so do other people. Whatever hurt you, was said when they were fearful and unhappy and not their true, peaceful self. Does it really seem right to hold them forever accountable and to allow your own suffering to continue?

It no longer makes any sense to me to have the last word, doesn’t seem important to prove myself as the victor…so I choose happiness every time. Why don’t you join me?

I hate to break this to you, but the world does not revolve around you.

Although I would never have used those words or even named how I was feeling, looking back, it’s clear to see that I thought I was the centre of the universe. I only had myself, didn’t I? Knew no one, like I knew me? I didn’t even have siblings and came from an exceedingly small family, so it was an easy mistake to make, wasn’t it?

We don’t realise it or mean to, but each of us humans is inclined to believe that the world revolves around us and that we have a right to be happy all the time. If things aren’t going exactly as we want, we have a tendency to throw our toys out of the pram and, at best, take it out on those around us and at worst, quit our job, relationship or whatever else dared not bolster up the chip we carry on our shoulders.

Because we only have our own mind, we get sucked into believing that’s all there is, but of course it isn’t.

Thinking we know something, always blocks us from actually knowing it and I’m super happy that I can now openly and calmly listen to people and choose rationally whether to take on board what they’re saying and alter my views, or decide to keep my way of seeing things.

In section 3, you learned that other people usually aren’t wrong but just think differently to us. Let’s take the concept of us not being the most important being in existence, a little further.

I don’t know how you feel about the idea of oneness; the idea was much too scary for me at one time. I was far too lacking in self-esteem to accept that somehow, we may all be linked. Now I find this concept very comforting at any time I feel myself becoming insular. Extending empathy, kindness and love is not only easier but essential, everyone from everywhere is my sister or brother. For me it works…maybe it does for you too.

The less self-justifying I became, the more I liked being open and letting my vulnerability show. This had a great affect on my life, not least my relationships. I no longer feel at war with my husband or anyone else, don’t feel I have to score more points.

Once you see that you don’t have to battle for supremacy, you can accept that both your and others’ successes help us all grow.

This takes you away from jealously defending your own corner to celebrating everyone’s.

One way you can help yourself make the shift from being it to being part of it, is to pretend you chose each and every moment…you chose this moment. Who said you should always have your own way, anyway? No one! It was just a rule you liked the idea of.

Altruism and compromise actually each have strong benefits.

I’m sure you’ll agree that sulking is self-indulgent and unattractive….yet you still find yourself doing it quite regularly. You will, of course, justify it as being an appropriate response to something someone did or said wrong.

Being able to step back and call out your behaviour, is how you will weed out your less agreeable traits and encourage better patterns…and ultimately become forever happy.

This actually came as quite a shock to me. I was known to be, if not a control freak, then someone who couldn’t bear to be out of control. I only did things or went to places I knew, or had researched personally. I planned every inch of my life meticulously and was always prepared with a bulging bag of all the things I could possibly need. I couldn’t ever loosen up because I was too fearful…quite of what, I couldn’t tell you…but my subconscious obviously had it covered.

We each have our individual ideas of what we need to control, and each justifies that control; deep down though, the necessary rigidity doesn’t make us feel comfortable.

We’re used to all our own idiosyncrasies…we’ve lived with them for a very long time but other peoples’ needs to control, sound obsessive, or at least peculiar.

Can you see that that is how other people see yours? I wonder if you’re ready yet, to accept that you could maybe see the reasons you need to control things from a different perspective?

A few areas you may have been feeling unable to relax about:

Medicine cabinet
Just how prepared do you have to be? One week’s supply of a certain medication? One month’s? One year’s?

Where you holiday
In the same place every year? Within a certain distance of your home? Somewhere English speaking? Or with familiar food?

What you eat or drink
How many calories? What percentage of fat? Only beverages and food you’ve had before?

How often you dust
Every week? Every day? When someone is visiting? When the cleaner is coming round?

A few common relationship controls I have come across:

Where your partner goes
Do they have full rein of where they can go without you? Only certain places? With certain approved people?

Who cuts their hair
Someone of the same gender as them?

What they wear
Only clothes you like? Ones you’ve bought? Only smart ones?

Where you spend Christmas
With your family? At home only with you?

Clutching on for dear life to our power is what we’re programmed to do when we feel insecure. It’s scary for us to relinquish control.

I used to hold on very firmly indeed to everything I thought I needed in my life, lest I lost it. I see now that this holding on was almost frantic…as well as counter-productive. I was so desperate not to feel alone, to feel complete…that I continually checked I had everything in place around me to make me happy. I had no concept, then, that only I could make me happy.

Surrendering to not knowing…to being spontaneous…may seem scary to you, right now, but I’m sure if you relax your hold, just a little, you’ll find it, not just a tremendous relief, but lots of fun.

Make a point of enjoying everything that comes along, even the things you didn’t choose. Especially the things you didn’t choose.

Repeat this exercise regularly until it becomes a way of life for you.

Most of us listen so that we can say what we want to voice next. We’re so sure we know better, that we don’t really hear what’s being said.

This is tough to hear but it is true nonetheless. It’s okay though, because now you see this, you can rectify it…and have a richer and more enjoyable life.

Now that you are managing to see your thoughts for what they are, you can start concentrating on other aspects of your life. Learning to communicate effectively is essential, and listening well is key to this.

Hearing refers to the sounds that enter your ears. It is a physical process that happens automatically, provided, of course, that you don’t have any physical hearing problems.

Listening requires much more than purely hearing; it necessitates focus and concentrated effort, both mental and physical. The listener is not merely a passive hearer but should be at least as engaged and involved in the process as the speaker.

You need to be fully present to hear, to open not just your ears, but your mind and heart.

Listening to gain new information and perspective is an essential skill to learn in order to improve the quality of your life. We cannot grow, if we cannot listen.

Wisdom is the reward you get for listening when you would rather have talked.

When people don’t feel heard, they conclude that they aren’t respected enough to be listened to. Unfortunately most of us are not very good at listening fully; research shows that we only take in, at most, fifty percent of what we hear. If you are not very careful, therefore, messages are easily misunderstood and communication breaks down.

You can improve your listening skills by making a conscious effort to hear not only words but what is being said and how, so being as aware of non-verbal as much as verbal messages, including the use of language, voice, and how people use their hands and body. Your ability to listen successfully depends on how well you perceive and interpret what is said.

It’s important to get out of the habit most people have, of becoming easily distracted or by forming counter arguments while the other person is still speaking. Try to defer judgement and allow yourself to listen properly till they’ve finished a point before asking questions or making comments. Interrupting merely frustrates them and stops you understanding what they’re saying. Be patient and treat everyone in the way you like to be treated.

Make sure you look at the other person while they’re talking and show them that you’re listening by nodding your head and avoiding cutting in.

Open your mind, open your heart, close your mouth!

Start shifting the emphasis of your conversations from you doing most of the talking…to you doing the least. We were blessed with two ears and only one mouth.

When you listen respectfully, you will find that others will soon follow suit. Watch how quickly and

wonderfully, your communication improves.

Be honest and gentle when it’s time for you to reply and see the difference in all your relationships.

Practice listening to hear whenever you can…and you will find that you get better and better at it and that soon it will be how you always listen..

Listening to hear is an important part of communication, as you’ve learned. So is speaking from a kind place.

Whilst we can’t control how anybody hears what we say (because we can only see and hear from where we are in our understanding), we can do our best not to say anything inflammatory.

This includes anything that you know, from past experience, will upset a particular person, and possibly anything at all, when they’re not in a receptive mood.

If someone has asked for space, or time to think, not respecting that, will put undue pressure on them and push them further away. I know how hard it is to allow space when you’re desperate to be close to them or receive answers, but it is very important you do as they ask. For as long as they ask.

It is easy to assume that by simply telling someone something, they will not only hear it, but hear it as you expect…this couldn’t be further from the truth.

It’s essential you’re both coming from a place of compassion, before you discuss anything that could lead to contention. Waiting for the right time can take a lot of patience but, fortunately, the further along you are with understanding the role of thought, the less urgent things will seem.

When you are feeling unloving toward someone, any questions you pose are likely to be passive aggressive, point-scoring, confrontational, undermining and belittling.

Here are some examples. I hope you see why they aren’t gentle and wouldn’t be well received

“Why have you been out so long?”

“Why do you keep doing that?”

“Why do you think it’s okay to treat me like this?”

“Where have you been?”

“Who have you been with?”

“Shouldn’t that be finished by now?”

“Did you not think that would happen?”

“Are you for real?”

“Why would you think that’s a good idea?”

“What makes you the authority on that?”

Do you recognise any of these phrases as something you may have said….and see how you could have rephrased them…or said nothing?