Gratitude

Whenever you argue with what you cannot change, you will ALWAYS lose, because it is what it is.

There are a great many things you cannot change, and you can choose to be at peace rather than in turmoil about that.

Like most people, I’m sure you spend a crazy amount of time being grumpy, hurt or angry about things you have no control over. Can you see that this is a total waste of time?

Imagine you had decided to go on a picnic at the weekend and spent all week excitedly preparing for it. Then on Saturday morning, the weather breaks and the rain starts. You could sulk for two days and ruin your weekend, or you could make the best of it and picnic indoors!

Whilst you know you can’t change the weather, you probably believe you can change lots of other things, including people, but you can’t, any more than you can coax the sun out. Sometimes people around you do change, but never because you want them to, only because they choose to…and they would come to that conclusion without you sooner or later anyway.

Think back to when someone tried to change you. It doesn’t feel very nice to be told you’re doing something wrong, does it? Very occasionally, being gently told you could improve at something, is exactly what you need, to recognise a change would be beneficial, but almost always, it just makes you dig your heels in harder and stubbornly refuse to budge!

The bottom line is, trying to change situations or people doesn’t work and is exhausting.

It is a truly amazing relief when you realise you can never change anyone, unless they chose to change, however much you beg, cajole, bully or push, because then you can allow yourself to simply let go and let be.

When you learn to completely let go of what you have no power over, you will suddenly have the head space and time to change and improve what you can control…you.

Miraculously, this small mindset shift is all it takes for you to see your whole life get better and better and better…You can move forward without blame or resentment for anything or anyone.

List the things that are upsetting you in any way. Note whether you can see yet, that it is because you are arguing with what is. Review this as you go through the program and beyond.

Before you master not trusting your thoughts when you’re ungrounded, you can say harsh things that hurt people. This doesn’t make you a bad person, it is just that when you are suffering, you try to make the situation more comfortable for yourself, in the best way that feels available to you at the time.

It is human to act less than politely when you are experiencing low levels of thinking.

At those times when you could have been more empathic and compassionate, you weren’t aiming to be mean, you were just struggling with life and, and as your troubles came to the surface, you allowed your behaviour to reflect what was going on with you, forgetting that those around you were sensitive too. We’ve all made knee-jerk reactions and later wished we’d taken time to consider.

If you were to reject everyone who has ever snapped or acted in any way defensively, you would have no one at all in your life, and just like you, they weren’t trying to be hurtful.

Fortunately, you’re now learning how to immediately recognise when you’re not grounded and therefore cannot trust your thoughts. Until your balanced peaceful self returns, a very simple but massively helpful method of avoiding or quelling arguments is to stay quiet. Refraining from saying something you will later regret, is definitely the way toward peace.

You will have noticed that you almost only lash out at those you love. This is because, whilst you do your best not to alienate friends, colleagues and acquaintances, you know your very close ones love you unconditionally and therefore feel safe to show your feelings to them.

You could say that when you do this, and people do it to you, it’s actually an expression of love! I’m sure you’ll agree, though, that there are much healthier and kinder ways to say those three little words.

Think back to times when you were less than kind. Can you see that you were always able to justify your behaviour? Maybe you told yourself that they were idiots, uninformed or simply wrong.

The stories you tell yourself in order to be okay with what you’ve said or done, feel absolutely true; you need to convince yourself that what you’re doing or saying is right because humans just don’t like to be unkind; it simply isn’t in our nature. We like to be gentle and loving and that is the state we will always return to when we stop focusing on the negative aspects of our lives.

Just as when we’re hurting, we hurt others, when we’re healed, we heal others. Hurt people cannot heal and healed people cannot hurt.

When you are contented and peaceful you aren’t nasty to anyone, there is no need for you to be, and you wouldn’t want to be anyway. When you are no longer insecure, defensive, lonely, sad or angry you don’t have the need to make others feel small in order to make yourself feel better…you already are better; all you want is to make others feel as good as you do.

I certainly want you to feel as good as I do.

In section 3, you learned how essential gratitude is to happiness. For the next twenty-four hours, I’d like you to be grateful. Quietly and non-judgementally, observe your thoughts, and each time you notice yourself becoming ungrounded, gently bring yourself back to a loving and grateful space.

If you find it difficult, simply continue until you have felt grateful and peaceful for twenty-four hours.

After that, you can stop and go back to your old ways…but why would you want to?!?

It’s easy to feel hurt, resentful and angry and it’s easy, in those states, to make the decision to walk away from someone or something. At least you’d have closure. At least you’d have made a strong decision, right?

WRONG!

Sorry I shouted, but you already know that making decisions, when you’re not grounded isn’t healthy; it’s not strong, it’s dangerous!

When you don’t know what to do for the best, until you always know the right thing to do, do nothing….

….and that includes asking for advice from people who aren’t experts.

Instead, think less…be more.

When you ask for advice when unhappy and resentful, you colour the question with those feelings…and you will receive answers, based not on reality, not even on your advisor’s reality, but on your current reality.

Let me explain with a story.

My friend had an argument with her boyfriend two weeks ago. She was convinced he was in the wrong, was going to leave her, and that she shouldn’t call him.

She asked several people for help, including me.

Because she saw it that way…the vibes she sent out were so strong, that’s what everyone else saw too.

I knew she couldn’t believe her thoughts because she was obviously upset and ungrounded.

I told her he might just be hurt and taking a little space. She didn’t believe me and continued being sure he had gone for good.

I explained to her that I may, of course, be wrong, because I couldn’t know exactly what he was thinking…BUT THAT SHE DIDN’T EITHER.

I asked her to be open to the possibility he might still want to be with her. That she should find out for sure before condemning the relationship, that love was worth a chance.

I suggested she call him, to open up communication, to see what happened… But she was sure she was right…her ego…her pride were too strong to allow any other thoughts.

When we’re certain we know something…that ALWAYS blocks us from knowing it.

I gave her the same advice every day. Every day, others gave her the advice to move on. I saw her get sadder and sadder.

Eventually, she called him.

He didn’t pick up.

But then….

He called her back…

She had left out some very important facts when she thought about the relationship being over…because they hadn’t been available to her in that state. The facts she was able to remember once it had all been sorted out, would have completely changed people’s advice.4.2c It’s over

Now that you know, that when people are unkind, they aren’t trying to upset you but are simply reacting to feeling unhappy, angry, insecure or some other fearful emotion, in the best way available to them in that moment. It isn’t the real them talking, but the fearful them. Just as you have learned not to believe your thoughts in low levels of thinking, neither can you trust anyone else’s. In that state, they don’t mean what they say, they’re simply lashing out with things they know will push your buttons and gain a reaction from you. Their subconscious is telling them you are the enemy and to push you away so they can be happy. This part of the mind is very black or white, very simple, and it will do everything it can to help you feel safe.

When they return naturally to their peaceful self, they will feel quite differently toward themselves and therefore you. There is no point in reminding them of the mean things they said, because the only possible outcome of this is to push them back into the negative state where they felt that way…and continue the argument. This is exactly why you get locked into unhappiness and ill-feeling.

I refer to the ‘he said, she said’ evidence, people dredge up from their arguments, as inadmissible.

I am not saying, for a moment, that you should accept being treated badly. Rather that the words and actions of others cannot affect your inner peace unless you allow them to, and holding onto things someone said and did from an ungrounded place, simply keeps you both trapped in conflict. Accepting an apology that was never offered, removes the tethers that are holding you back.

One of the most common misconceptions people hold about what I believe, is that I’m expecting them to put up and shut up. I am not. I just know that reacting to people or situations from a place of fear and defensiveness is never wise or healthy.

This is not excusing bad behaviour or turning yourself into a doormat, but keeps you calm so that you can make clear decisions about what to do, if anything.

I can’t tell you what to decide to do, but I can remind you that in your calm place, you have access to all the answers within you. They will tell you whether the healthiest thing to do is leave the room, gently touch your adversary’s arm or whatever is the correct action in this particular scenario.

If, later, you feel it is necessary to discuss what happened, make sure you do it at a time when you are both peaceful and grounded.

When you can remain serene in what would once have been the catalyst for an argument, you win in every single way. Simply and gently refuse to let yourself be pulled into anyone else’s storm and, instead, draw them into your tranquility. Very soon, there will be no more arguments at all.

Letting go and forgiving are not weaknesses, they are strengths; they allow you to keep your peace.

Releasing bitterness, resentments and grudges, frees your mind and gives you space to see the good in your relationships and reconnect with the joy you’re missing.