Boundaries And Clarity

I admit that for me, learning to hold my tongue was a massive task…one I am still learning.

When I was at the beginning of my journey…where you are now…staying silent during an altercation was pretty much completely impossible for me. Maybe you’re the same?

Do you often find yourself desperate to ‘state your case’? To explain how you feel and why? To say why you’re in the right?

The thing is…people only hear what they hear….including you.

Even in a very receptive mood, people can’t hear anything they’re resistant to, or not ready for. In a non-receptive mood…you don’t stand any chance at all of being heard…however well-thought out and reasonable you think your argument is.

How, then, could explaining exactly why you feel aggrieved or how they could be more sensitive or tactful…ever be helpful?

Simple; it couldn’t. Ever.

Learning to save your breath, therefore, is an extremely important step in rebuilding your life and saving your relationships.

There might be a place for communicating how you feel…but…honestly…I haven’t felt the need to do this for years. And if I haven’t…you needn’t either.

Now that I always know the right thing to do in each moment, I see that, at best, what I say won’t be heard, and at worst, it will start an argument. In both cases it keeps me locked in destructive, self sabotaging thinking. And that is definitely not what any of us want….is not the way forward.

Silence….you will find, is golden. It is simply not necessary to fill quiet time with talk of any kind, let alone an explanation of why someone or something is ‘wrong’!

Allow yourself to become comfortable with not saying anything.

I’m not suggesting, for a moment, that you should force yourself to say nothing but allow the screaming inside your head; I don’t believe this is healthy emotionally or physically.

Rather, when you are able to connect to your innate wisdom…you’ll understand that silence is often the answer, and superfluous words, whether spoken or not, aren’t.

There will be no more screaming, outside or in. There will be calmness and acceptance. There will be joy and love.

In many situations, you’ll see that less is actually more. More gentle…more loving…more sensible…more wise…more appropriate.

My father learned this apt northern phrase –

“If in doubt, say now!”

We get so used to always talking, that we even do it, constantly and internally to ourselves….and a lot of the things we say are not kind.

It helped me to cease the constant narration by remembering that every cell in our bodies eavesdrops on our thoughts….and also that it is only in the silence between thoughts that our souls are able to speak to us.

Observe how often you speak when it is unnecessary…and when it is detrimental.

Practise being more still…more silent…and being okay with this.

My clients often cite poor boundary setting as one of their problems…with family, work, or other relationships, including the one they have with themselves.

A great many others have this issue but haven’t realised or identified it yet.

One would think that it would be by far more common for people to complain that they believe other people to be encroaching inappropriately on their private space, but actually the opposite is more often the case.

They tell me, helplessly, that they know they’re often unreasonable and say mean things, but have no idea how to stop doing it.

I remember being this lost and hopeless.

I don’t know if you regularly overstep people’s boundaries, but there are times when you will feel insecure and needy…and in those moments…you won’t even realise you’re being self-centered.

This could be as simple as asking for lifts or other help.

When we get fearful in any way (angry, hurt, resentful, offended, insecure, jealous etc.) we feel unsettled, bewildered and defensive and when we feel this way, we forget that others have feelings too. We feel miserable and alone…and believe, mistakenly, that we need others to make us feel better…to support us…to be there for us.

Sometimes, they don’t feel they have anything to give…maybe they’re struggling themselves and can’t pour from an empty cup. This makes them feel cornered and taken for granted.

Conversely, you may be the victim of a boundary crossing person. You may not even realise this. Maybe you simply believe you’re being kind and would prefer not to rock the boat. However much this may appear to be helpful, it isn’t the way to an equal, functional relationship and both your self-esteem and methods of establishing healthy limits of acceptance probably need to be assessed…before you are pushed one too many times and you finally lose your patience, big time.

I’m exceedingly glad that you’re learning now, and won’t throw away any more, probably completely salvageable, situations and relationships.

Accepting that you’re clingy and demanding or weakened and forceless is a bitter pill to swallow.

It hurts. A lot. I remember and I get it.

Facing your ‘faults’, stings, but you can’t grow, until you do.

Life is a continuum of how dependent and how uncertain you feel.

Some people are generally self-sufficient and only occasionally and very reluctantly reach out for help. Others are in need most of the time and are self-sufficient only sporadically .

Can you see that neither of these extremes are healthy?

Whether you are more apt to being used or using, I hope you now have a clearer idea of what’s happening behind the scenes.

Remember, that if you’re most generally a giver, you will have to set boundaries because takers aren’t able to.

If you find yourself often needing reassurance, I’m sure you will recognise the feeling of wanting to know, for sure, in the middle of pain and uncertainty, what your future holds.

Is your friend still your friend?

Is the person you’re dating going to stay?

Are you going to get the job you applied for?

Is the house you want going to be your home?

When you don’t know the answers, it can feel so awful, you often decide, subconsciously, that instead of waiting to find out your fate, you should push them away now…so you’ll know where you stand!

This type of self-sabotage to attain certainty is, sadly, way too common…maybe you are sometimes guilty of this? I certainly was!

Becoming aware of self-sabotaging thoughts and choosing to make healthier ones with firm, fair, patient and loving boundaries…for yourself and others…makes life so much more enjoyable.

Find more information in the Confrontationless boundary setting guide.

I’d like you to notice where you might be overstepping peoples’ boundaries….and gently remind yourself that it would be better for all concerned if you became more self-sufficient and patient.

Please also observe when others encroach on your boundaries and how empathy and compassion will help the situation far more than becoming irritated and cornered.

Leading on from the boundaries and neediness lessons I’d like to talk to you about an aspect of these…expecting too much.

Expecting is actually in the same category as needing, both are arguing with what you can’t change…and we’ll cover that in more detail in the next section.

We are all more reliant on other people at some points in our lives than others, but some people rely on their friends and families far more heavily and consistently than others.

Asking for help is a good thing. We’re stronger together and we love helping others. Sometimes, however, requesting and expecting support becomes unhealthy.

There could be many reasons people feel dependent on others; some of them might be –

They were an only child

Their parents always did everything for them

They have been very poorly for a long time, maybe since childhood

They are very low in self-confidence and don’t trust themselves

Their friends and families are extremely kind and forgiving

The friends that are giving, are too low in self-esteem to argue

They got into the habit when something happened that necessitated they asked for help

This isn’t to say that everyone in these categories will be dependent or that everyone not in them will be independent; many people have already seen the dependence in themselves, not liked it and turned it into a motivation to be more self-reliant.

Most people don’t realise that they depend too much, in fact most of them would feel both shocked and wounded if they were told this.

To them, they’re doing nothing wrong; they’ve been this way for as long as they can remember and it feels completely normal to them. It can also feel like a right.

My clients often report feeling genuinely confused and hurt that their friends or families aren’t as loyal and as kind as they’d like. They are mystified as to why they are being ignored or treated badly by their loved ones, when they believe they have been nothing but kind and generous. They completely fail to see that they are pushing people away with their expectations..

Either they don’t notice that they lean on people too heavily…or they do observe it but feel themselves to be justified in expecting to be helped, maybe because they are in poor health, have a very demanding career, have several children, are a single parent or one of many other reasons that makes them feel overwhelmed.

The help they expect could take many forms, but for examples –

Expecting help with everyday tasks

Expecting others to pay for meals out

Expecting to be ferried about in a vehicle

Expecting help around the house from people who are not paid to do this

Expecting people to make their meals

Expecting people to listen to all their outpourings

Expecting to always have their own way

Maybe you recognise, at least an element of, these from your own behaviour? You may find it difficult to notice…it will show itself in hurt, resentment, anger or one of the other feelings you don’t enjoy.

Most of us expect something. All of us will find it hard to accept this.

Maybe you can see why others might feel pressured, used or cornered by it.

Maybe it will take a while for you to see this, for the resistance to subside, and longer for you to make changes, but I can promise you that if and when you choose to address any expectations you feel, your experience of life will improve incredibly.

Can you identify any areas in which you expect too much from others?

This is one of the exercises that can sting a little…but please see it, not as judgement, but as an opportunity to grow.

Try to gently change this, and watch how others react better to you and actually want to help sometimes, rather than feeling forced to help and taken for granted.

The key to a happy relationship isn’t grandiose gestures…though they’re lovely…it’s simply learning to use your own instincts to know what is the healthiest and kindest thing to do and say in any given moment, and that each moment could call for a very different action.

In one moment, the right thing to do might be to quietly move to another room, and in another, it could be to give someone a hug.

In these modern times, the types of things you might need to react to, and the way in which you could react are completely different than they were a generation ago.

For example…

“Should I block him/her?”

Is something I get asked fairly often.

We no longer need to be physically close to argue…we can now continue to fight via emails, texts, WhatsApp, messenger and so forth. This type of conflict, even though you don’t actually get to see the pain in each others’ eyes, is just as unhealthy for both of you.

In the next section, you will learn ways to nip arguments in the bud, and these can be adapted for online altercations.

In brief, for now, if you realise your communication is causing either or both of you to become ungrounded, you can simply choose not to open a message…or reply.

The aim is that you will soon see an argumentative message and understand, on a deep level, that it cannot affect you unless you let it.

As you know, I’m not in favour of methods and steps, because they only work as long as you’re calm and aren’t reliant on them. As soon as you’re ungrounded and need them, they’re no longer accessible to you. However, because I want you to make transformations quickly, I give some strategies and tools so that you won’t eventually need them.

I understand that, when you are new to this understanding, choosing not to be upset by, or ignoring, a communication will not be as easy as it sounds.

Therefore, as a strategy, blocking someone could be an answer. Please be aware though, of the necessity to balance carefully, your need not to be inflamed further, and other person’s infuriation at being blocked. The intention is to be better at communicating peacefully and calming volatile situations!

Also, remembering not to make decisions whilst inflamed and ungrounded is key.

If you do choose to block someone, use it to give you both space to re-find your equilibrium, rather than as a punishment.

As you move forward….if ever you decide that the only way to deal with someone, is to electronically block them or physically avoid them, look within to see if you are able to act from a loving and peaceful place.

Check if you are healthily choosing to ignore them because you love you, not because you dislike them.

If you receive what is likely to be an antagonistic message, see how easy it is for you, not to read it.

If not reading it was too difficult, see how easy it is for you not to reply to it.

If you succeed at this, congratulate yourself and then, as a further challenge, see how easy it is for you not to be affected by it.

As you work through this program, and into the future, notice how much easier this becomes.