Bonuses

Unless you’ve been under a rock for a very long time, you’ll have heard of boundaries and how important they are.

But what exactly are they? And how can we set them…without confrontation?

Here are some definitions –

“Boundaries are the lines we draw for ourselves in terms of our level of comfort around others”

“Setting boundaries is a life skill where you openly communicate and assert your personal values as a way to preserve and protect against having them compromised or violated”

“Boundaries are a form of self-care. They help to create clear limits of how you like to be treated”

“Boundaries help each person figure out where one person ends and the other begins”

“Boundaries help you define how you like to be treated by others”

“Boundaries honour our needs and wants so that we feel respected and safe”

“Boundaries explain what’s okay and what’s not okay”

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously”

“A boundary is an imaginary line that separates me from you”

Hopefully you can see this isn’t about putting up walls or barriers between you and your loved ones, it is about improving all your relationships. Being able to set and adhere to boundaries in an act of acceptance and kindness toward yourself and others, holding all concerned to be accountable for their actions.

I understand if you have a fear of setting boundaries because you don’t know how to do it without upsetting people or making things worse; you may believe that boundaries = confrontation. But please relax because once you learn this skill you will find that you can avoid all resentment, disappointment and misunderstanding in the future.

I know that the idea of setting boundaries may feel difficult, scary and exhausting right now and that you may feel guilty about…but please be open to the finding of more peace and improved emotional and mental health.

By gently, politely and kindly putting your truth forward at the correct time, you are demonstrating that you respect yourself and this, in turn, allows people to treat you with that respect too.

Where are you with valuing yourself? Some people don’t have the self-esteem to assert themselves against anyone, others set boundaries well in some situations and with some people but find themselves unable to set them in every situation or with every person. There’s often just one or maybe two people who seem to step into your comfort zone whilst you look on powerlessly. This may be because you have some skills in boundary setting or because most people in your life are too polite or self-aware or maybe are too low in self-esteem to overstep the mark.

Whichever is the truest for you, when you learn to set boundaries without causing yourself or others discomfort, a weight is lifted from you as you rise to whole new levels of empowerment.

Very often, in life, you may find yourself in a pattern that is now, or maybe always have been, uncomfortable, where you feel obligated. You continue in this way, becoming evermore aggrieved, because you don’t know how to explain that you’re not happy. You feel you’ve let it go on too long and now have to lie in the bed you’ve made.

But no longer.

Taking control

You probably imagine that finally setting a much needed boundary will be an extremely uncomfortable experience, or you would have handled it earlier, but it doesn’t need to be.

Before you make your feelings known it’s important that you are able to feel relaxed about it. If you get yourself wound up and nervous about stating your needs, you will quickly become defensive and temperatures will rise, so get used to the idea you’re going to speak your truth and know that you’re doing nothing wrong.

It doesn’t need to be a long conversation, in fact it’s usually better to be clear and concise. It isn’t generally necessary to explain your reasons. Just make sure you don’t come across as patronising, condescending or haughty…people do this when they feel nervous.

Knowing a few simple phrases will make it far easier for you to feel in control and move yourself swiftly to a happy resolution. I have given you some example phrases below.

To take the fear and emotion out of the situation so that you can relax into it, step back and try to see it from all sides. See the person you’re going to speak to as another human, simply doing the best they can with what they have available to them in that moment, a person who is, no doubt, struggling with their own difficulties. This serves to move them away from the position of an enemy who must be beaten, an unkind and selfish adversary to another soul who will understand and respect you when you start to respect yourself.

Doing this simple exercise may even make you realise you were actually being a little over-sensitive because you were upset or angry, and there isn’t a problem after all.

When you feel your backs pushed against a wall, you retreat within yourself and fall back on your go-to fearful emotion. This is likely to be the one you saw demonstrated in times of upset during your formative years and is likely to be anger or hurt.

It’s easy to imagine, in these scary times, that you are the centre of the universe, because you only have your own head, but others, whoever they may be, are not an extension of you and have and deserve their own wants and needs too. This isn’t about asserting your power over them, simply stepping into your own power.

Reaction versus response

You may have heard these words in relation to boundaries and been wondering about the difference. Reaction is what we’re moving away from. It is ungrounded, knee-jerk, made without thought to consequence and always makes matters worse. Response is what we’re aiming for; it is thoughtful, kind, fair and reasoned.

Boundary setting time

Once you know that setting a boundary is the correct thing to do, take your time to prepare. The boundary overstepping or lack of boundary has probably gone on for some time, so there is no immediate rush.

Spend time deciding and practising what you want to say. Say the phrases you’re going to use out loud to get used to them, or role play with a friend.

Make sure that you stay away from personal insults, attacks, accusations, emotion and complaints and adhere to how you wish the situation to be moving forward.

You may find it helps to get your thoughts in order by writing them down or typing them into a device. You might also like to refer to this when you’re actually delivering your boundary to keep yourself on track and ensure you don’t forget anything.

It’s important that you allow yourself to remember this is what you need to do, and remain relaxed. If you feel yourself losing your cool before you start, don’t start.

If you feel yourself becoming heated during the conversation, take a moment to breathe and ground again…don’t feel rushed.

If you feel the other person becoming flustered in any way, draw back and wait until they have settled.

Send a letter

If you don’t trust yourself or the other person involved to stay calm face to face, you may prefer to put your feelings in writing and send it to them.

If you decide to put pen to paper or send it, remember that it will be read with the tone of voice of an antagonist, rather than the, hopefully gentle, tone you’ve intended. This means you’ll have to be extra gentle (though firm and clear) in the hope they wont become self-justifying, angry or upset. If they do become heated, you won’t be heard and the situation will not resolve and could become worse.

On a practical note, if you intend to send the communication electronically, it is much safer to type it into a document whilst you’re getting your thoughts clear and only paste and send when you’re happy with it. Most of us have accidentally sent a draft message, right?

Whether you’re making notes to get your head straight or because you intend to send them, allow yourself as long as you need. It’s a good idea to save it till the morning and look at it again with fresh eyes to make sure you are remaining grounded and coming from a place of love.

When do I need boundaries?

What boundaries you need to set are personal and unique to you.

There are many times when boundaries will be necessary. Here are some, along with examples of confrontation-less ways to set them –

LENDING MONEY OR FEELING EXPECTED TO PAY FOR SOMETHING

This can be with anybody but happens especially with your children…of all ages.

“It isn’t convenient to lend you my laptop right now”

“This is my bedroom / study / meditation room and I’d prefer you didn’t come in unless I invite you”

“I’m happy to be your guarantor for six months but you must make your own rent payments. If you don’t, I won’t be able to be your guarantor again”

“You can borrow my lawn mower but I’ll need it back tomorrow”

“I’ll do it this time, but it you will have to be responsible for this in future”

It could be ‘splitting the bill’ when you haven’t had starter, pudding or wine.

“I’d like to just pay for what I’ve had, thank you”

“I hope you don’t mind if I just pay for what I ate”

FEELING UNHEARD OR BULL-DOSED

People often think they know what’s best for you.

“Thank you for explaining what you would do, but I am choosing this way”

“I take that on board and will definitely consider it before making my final decision”

“I’m sorry you’re upset but I’m not comfortable with taking sides”

“Let’s agree to disagree rather than make this a big thing”

“I don’t want to argue about this so let’s not discuss it any more”

“I think it would be better if we talked about something else instead”

“I respect your opinion but would like to make my mind up, thank you”

GIVING YOUR TIME OR ENERGY

Whether this is providing lifts or other services or feeling expected to visit someone.

“I don’t have time then, could we do Thursday instead?”

“I’d like to help you but I’ve got something I need to sort out first”

“It sounds fun but I really need a little me time this evening”

“This week isn’t convenient but I’ll be here next week”

“I’m so sorry you’re struggling and I love and support you but I just don’t have the head space right now to help right now”

“I’m a little tied up right now, I’ll message you when I’m free”

“Thank you for inviting me, but I’m not free that day”

“I’m happy to do this until the end of the month but then I need to concentrate on my work / studies / children / etc.”

DOING OR PUTTING UP WITH THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO

This could be as simple as having your name shortened.

“I’d prefer you to use my full name please”

“Please use my given name in future, I don’t identify with that one”

It could be feeling disrespected by someone’s poor time keeping.

“I love seeing you but please try and be on time next time”

“Shall we make it 20 minutes later next time, so that you can make it on time?”

Or being expected to supply information you’re not prepared to.

“It doesn’t make me comfortable to talk about it, if you don’t mind”

“Let’s talk about something else”

“I’d rather not discuss that right now”

“I’m relaxing now and this doesn’t feel like the right time to discuss this”

“Maybe I’ll feel okay to talk about this another time, but I don’t right now”

This could include going to places you don’t enjoy or staying out later than you’d like.

“I need to be home by 10 o’clock latest”

“Unless you’re okay going to another place, I’ll leave you to it”

“That’s not my favourite place, so I’ll get off home now. Have a lovely time”

“I know that’s a late night place, and that’s not great for me on a school night, see you soon”

It could also involve drinking alcohol or taking a substance you don’t want to.

“I’d like to come out, thank you, but I’m not drinking alcohol or taking anything”

“I don’t do that but I’ll come and have a fun time without it”

“It’s okay if you want to do that but please respect that I don’t”

You could feel pressured into having sex or a type of sex you don’t enjoy.

“Just to be clear, I’m not going to have sex with you”

“I don’t sleep with people I’ve only just met, I value my body too much for that”

“I like being with you but I’m not going to be intimate with you”

“I don’t feel like having sex today, let’s cuddle up instead and be more intimate soon”

“I don’t want say today but I love you very much, let’s do something else to celebrate that instead”

“I want to be close to you but don’t want intercourse tonight, let’s watch a movie now and have sex in the morning”

“I love having sex with you but don’t feel comfortable doing that”

“It’s possible I might okay to do that one day, but not today”

“That isn’t something I like, but there are lots of other things we can do”

The common factor in all of these is you feeling pushed into something you’re not comfortable with. It may be something you do not want to do or something you would have chosen, if you’d been given the opportunity, but don’t want to feel expected to do it.

It’s not only okay but essential you know your worth, and gently express your boundaries.

It’s not you, it’s me

When we feel pressured, it seems, at best, like high-spirited or well-meant wishing for you to enjoy yourself, and at worst like bullying, control, coercion or manipulation. Maybe there is an element of one of these, but in order for you to be in control of your own life, you have to take accountability for all your thoughts and actions.

The moment you blame anyone or anything else for your lack of okayness, you give up your power to fix it.

Though you probably didn’t know this, your discomfort in all of the above situations is because of your inability to have the confidence to value yourself enough to set boundaries.

You need never apolologise for wanting to feel okay. You should feel okay!

Valuing yourself and voicing that, will feel odd at first, but once you get the hang of it, you’ll see that you’re respected and your ideas are considered more than ever before.

Stick to it

Once you have set a boundary, make sure you stick to it. If you allow yourself to go back on it, your boundaries won’t be respected in future. If your boundaries were worth making, they were worth keeping.

However, you always have the right to change your mind. We’re all on a journey and things feel different at different times of our lives, so feel free to change your boundaries. Just as you don’t want to be controlled by others’ ideas of what you should do, you don’t want to feel that your set limits are holding you back either.

When you set healthy boundaries, you replenish your reserves and can then show up for yourself and others as the best version of yourself; lighter, happier and more confident.

Sometimes people will challenge or ignore the boundaries you have set. Simply remind them.

“I explained that I wasn’t comfortable with that, if you do it again, I will go home”

“Remember that’s something I don’t enjoy?”

“Please don’t do that, it doesn’t feel right”

What about you?

When people talk about boundaries, they think about other people…but it is at least as important to set boundaries with yourself.

Untrained, your subconscious mind will take complete control over your relationship with your health, your body, your weight, your exercise, your motivation, your productivity, your finances and how you manage your time in terms of work-life balance, levels of procrastination and YOU time…to name just a few.

Only you can decide the optimum balances for how you choose to live…but please know that it is a choice and you can make it.

It’s all about you

We’ve talked about you a little…but what if, as you’re reading about boundaries here, you’re realising you yourself are overstepping them?

Sure it stings to discover your things about yourself you’d rather not, but how amazing that you can now easily become a better family member, a better friend, a better employee, a better human being, a better version of you.

Important note

This guide is about setting boundaries with things over which you are able to have control, if you assert your opinion.

If however, you are being forced against your will and feel in danger, SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP.

Find further related information in –

Section 3a

3.2a Lesson – Being grounded

3.2b Exercise – Notice how you’re feeling

Section 3b

3.5a Lesson – Boundaries

3.5b Exercise – What boundaries are you overstepping?

3.6a Lesson – What do you expect?

3.6b Exercise – Expecting too much

You may also find this useful

Section 6b

6.5 Lesson – They are a narcissist